Tuesday, October 27, 2015

When you call the doctor (Did anyone else come from a household that never ever ever ever called the doctor?) you're actually calling the nurse. They have a sort of a nurse hotline set up. And it took me WAY too long to figure out that I didn't have to explain my entire life story on their answering machine. I think the third time I had to call-I realized the nurse had No Idea what I was on about. 

Anyway, you say your problem and the nurse asks questions and she hangs up and runs off to ask the doctor. 

Whoa I feel SO very weird bothering a surgeon. Awkweird. 

In matters of bowel, the first question is: are you passing gas?(Which, thanks to the Australians-from now on it's ONLY going to be referred to as 'wind')  And I THINK the reason is, my bowel has been handcrafted into a 2015 version and they want to insure the seal is holding. Then there are instructions and usually I have to say, some of the issues have been MY misunderstanding of-let's say-the prescription. I have this stuff called Doc-Q-Lace. I didn't really even know what it was for and here's why: I'm off my game. Duh. 

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A wonderful reader sends this anonymous tip: I swear by this: squeeze half a lemon into a big glass of water and drink it. You can probably add honey if you want - but DON'T use reconstituted lemon juice - only fresh because of the enzymes! 
My mother's recipe :)


I'm sipping it right now.  Thanks reader! And your Mom. : ) 


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This morning, P asked me(and this is AFTER he was glorious enough to go fetch me a lemon on this fine day and he was, so we're giving him that-fer sher): 
You TOLD people you were constipated? 

Like I'm supposed to feel bad about feeling bad

Pffffffffft. 

See, there's something very small happening here and I fear there will be casualties. 

It's called: a cancer diagnosis. 


My agenda has changed. 

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More tips:

Here's the webpage from downunduh.  I really could have used this, America.

http://www.bladderbowel.gov.au/assets/doc/improvebowelaftersurgery.html

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Re: Sneezing

Press a pillow against your stomach if you are going to sneeze or anything else that tightens those muscles.

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Re: Soothing-

For the explosive D- if that continues, you are going to want the Epsom salts we all laughed at as kids. A couple of inches of warm water in the tub and your back side will feel better. 

(Hmm Explosive D. That might be my new rap name. : D Yo yo yo.)

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Things you really wanna have at the hospital: Wide tooth comb. Fantastic black underpants. Solid sleep.
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Ooh one last thing: I got an angel. 

http://imermanangels.org

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