Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Unraveling of my Masterplan

Last week, I exhibited good behavior for my Ultrasound Guided Needle Biopsy. Come on. I really did. (I also spoke to a co-worker who had some calcifications removed from her thyroid and she showed me her scar and that always makes me think how fantastic humans are. Ya know, like when they share info and cut to the chase.) 

This week, I had it all lined up to get the hideous goo drinking contrast cat scan that will lead me to the promised land of good bye hernia and hello living without a megawatt generic tylenol in the back pocket of every pair of pants I own (More on that later.) and the INSURANCE company did not have it together to find time to approve said appointment so I got trapped in this: 

We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. 
We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator.  We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. We're sorry, all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold for the next available operator. 

Again, spoken in the wonderful flat midwestern accent that I've come to enjoy so much I need to hear it like maybe 87 times in a row or something. 
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Went to the Jewel and I saw Carlisa who is our parking lot based health and wellness advisor and she said, "You look better. Did you take my advice?" I-being continually caught in a position of off-guard had to think that over but yeah, I think I sort of did. I thought so, she said. You look a whole lot better. 

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New game to play in the bathroom mirror. Trying to look at your own thyroid by tipping your whole head back. Hours of pleasure I tell you! (Okay minutes.) 

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Got a report from the thyroid guy. It was a play-by-play of everything that happened in the needle biopsy except it didn't include any results and-quite frankly-my version is much more entertaining. 

I waited 24 hours-ish and I sent his an e asking him when I get to know what I got on my test. I think I used to be scared to get results but I gotta get ON with this stuff, right? Sheesh. 
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These are the insurance statements so far this year. The letter carrier now has to have hernia surgery from hauling these things around.

Spoke with someone In-The-Know and she said to be careful with my insurance because 'Those co-ops are failing like crazy.'. Woo that's a cheerful statement, isn't it?

Soon we'll be spreading them all over the floor and frowning at them and wishing for some Brownies and/or Fairies to stop by and handcraft some shoes or spin dog hair tumbleweeds  into gold or whatnot. 

Ah the joy of compartmentalizing, yes? 
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Last story. I'm at work. A woman comes in and wants to renew a book. The title is something like: Dropping Acid and it has to do with that reflux nonsense that forces me to eat decorated apple sauce every morning. She stands there in the library and lists the new rules. Not like in a mean or judgmental way-like she was chanting it out for herself almost. She said her doctor-from Loyola-as part of her prescription-said she had to read it. She said she tested it all out once by having a meal at White Castle and she was as sick as a dog. 

I put it on hold. 

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