Monday, July 18, 2016

Okay so. On the 13th, I had my Fitness Assessment. I had to kinda talk myself into walking from the parking lot to the door of the place by saying things to myself like: Olympic athletes do things that are a lot harder than this every dayBecause you know Ann is to an Olympic athlete as a unicorn is to a goldfish cracker. 

Uh huh.

I got in, put my stuff away and met my trainer. She looked exactly like Elsa the Snow Queen. I am not even kidding. 

We went up the way back steps to an area I hadn't been before and then into a room with a couple of machine type things pushed up against the wall. I had to fill out a survey that seemed to be dealing with the emotional side of all of this goo. Like did my current physical condition change the way I interacted with my friends in social situations and stuff like that. (um, yes/duh)

Now because I have this hernia, you see, it puts the kibosh on any lifting of more than 10 pounds so even before we started I was getting modified. I didn't have to do push-ups. And there was some other stuff I got to skip over. 

I did do a wall sit thing pretty okay and I learned these new fangled crunches-I had to see how many I could do in a minute and here's the thing: I still have a sort of a ping pong ball feeling in the back of my throat from the last surgery so that chopped my results by about 80%. Kind of a drag. 

I had to stand barefoot on a machine that determined body fat(this was the reason I had to fast for 4 hours before the test) and I did another thing where I had to sit and pull a kind of a handle and that got measured. Oh and I had to wear a heart monitor. Never did that before. 

She asked me more questions, pushed more buttons on her computer and generated a report. She said, do you want this e-mailed or printed and I looked at her like, uhhh neither. 

Why would I want to bring home this news? You keep it, I said and I'll get it at the end. "Right." said Elsa. "Stay positive."

And that was it. All that angst for really nothing and I was on my way.


The next day I had my first session of the 8 week program. Bad news. Elsa got another job and this would be my last session with her. O-well. Let it go

She said she'd done some research and that riding a bicycle would be good for me and I thought, okay. But first we had to do a whole bunch of maneuvers on this thing that looked like an upside down little kid blow-up swimming pool. It was weird. I felt seriously off my game. In fact, I really wondered if I'd ever even had a game before all of this but I do remember not being worried about doing physical stuff. Now, I'd turned into a popover. I had special needs. All of a sudden. 


I did the swimming pool platform things and she plopped me on a stationary bike that had a fan between your knees, but you know what? It was killing my arse. In my yoot-as my father would say-I would have definitely sucked it up but not now. Got switched to a different bike. Did my 15 minutes of interval training at level 8 and I was done. 

I dunno, ya know? I wasn't tired. I wasn't sore. I was a little sweaty but mostly I was disappointed because it takes a bit of effort to get over to this place and here I'm being handled like a Twinkie. 

They asked me at the desk how I was feeling and I said, it was kind of easy and they said I might have DMR which stand for delayed muscle reaction and I was like, uh okay. But not really. 

I went the next day on my own. I was the Only Person in the warm pool and I was hopping all over the place singing in my head, I'm not dead. I'm not dead. (it's catchy, no?) I played with the barbells, I stretched my entire self out like it's never been stretched before. It was fantastic. 

Saturday we tried the Divvy Bikes. It was a free trial. The bikes live at the end of our street. What the heck. It was kinda cool. Kinda like having an amusement park at the end of your block. The bikes are kind of touring bikes and you have to get them back in 30 minutes so we spun around the 'hood and that was fun too. 

They're offering a 15 dollar reduction on the $99 yearly membership but P said he knows of a bicycle(mine) in the basement and I could ride that if I paid him $10. 

Everyone's a comedian. 

Bye for now! 

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