Saturday, August 20, 2016

This week was so supremely difficult, it had to have cake at the end. 

Coconut Cake. Three bucks. 
Waiting for you in your Grocers Freezer. 


I know.

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Got the call from the hospital. The number shows up. It ends in 1000. While I wait to get to a quiet place to hear the message, I do some gold star catastrophic thinking. Ending in something like, 'They wouldn't call me if it wasn't something terrible, right?'

It was Cindy. She gets her own real name and that is an indication of her royal awesomeness. She's the secretary to the colonoscoper. And yet yet yet another indication of how a really successful person finds the very best people to represent them. When you speak to her, you automatically feel better.

I just about answer the phone now like: PLEASETELLMETHISISNOTBADNEWS. 
And she's like, umm what?

I had a small list of questions ready(that's how it is now-little scraps of paper-everywhere) and we ran through them. 

Pills vs The Drink. This doctor doesn't allow the pills. They find it more effective to have you drink the goldfish bowl water in two sessions. End of story. 


This is what the prep looks like at 4:00 in the AM. 


(I found the assessment of my bowel prep written on the report they give you when you leave. I only got a 'good'. I could have had an 'excellent'. I guess I need to make friends with Crystal Lite. Is there a margarita flavor and is this why I really need a driver?)

What am I, some sorta polyp farmer? I have to go back  for another one, in three months. They took out as many as they could in one session but I have to go back. 

Does that mean he looked at the whole colon? Or did he just go so far and... Yes, she assured me. The colon is something like six feet long. 

Did I grow all these things in the period of one year er whut? They can't really say for sure, because my first colonoscopy was done at another hospital(and one thing you don't want is a shitty colonoscopy. Go for the intense one, my friends. And never look back.) but there's a chance that the previous doctor saw the cancer and just took the major stuff out and left these babies behind. She said, I know they look huge on the report we gave you, but they're actually very small and oh yeah, (music to my ears) there's no evidence of cancer. 

Why did the nurse insist on trying to get blood out of my right arm? The nurse may have been trying to make it easier. When you get a colonoscopy, you're placed on your left side so with the IV thing in your right arm, everything would be tidier but ha HA! She said next time I should request that the anesthesiologist start the line and tell them no, on the right arm. And she put a note in my file so it's official. 

I asked her if it would be possible to put the November appointment off until January(See Illinois health insurance debacle)and she kinda phone-frowned on that idea and P gave me a Very Serious Lecture about Putting My Health First so, November it shall be.

Lawd Willin'.
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Weird things that happened this week: 

I was in a room with two people and one of their Moms died from colon cancer and the other person's Dad died from colon cancer and I was like AREYOUKIDDINGME?  (That's how I talk, apparently, when I losing my marbleosis. I eliminate spaces.) 

Heard another story about someone who's having some sorta health crisis and how they've withdrawn all the dough from their checking and savings accounts(I said, is your mattress all fluffy now?)and scored themselves some medicaid or medicare or whichever the one is that you call upon when you have no dough.) 

I don't have an opinion either way on that one(or maybe I do) but when there is a news article about how people who have Affordable Care Act insurance are lazy takers-it makes me want to drive to those commenters homes(who are these people really? And if they are your neighbors, why don't you move?) and introduce my foot to the insides of their ass. 

A tid-bit regarding successfully drinking the goldfish bowl water and here it is: Hold your nose. 

Huh. 

You know how certain people say Facebook is the devil and all that? As I watched the theatrics of my disappearing health insurance, for some reason I looked them up on Facebook and I found a splinter group of people who are losing their insurance too. While I wait for the phrase 'class action law suit' to pop up, I had occasion to call upon the expertise of this group and it was just about the coolest thing ever. Well, not hula-hoop cool but, you get me. 

I dialed up Healthcare dot gov and I got a reasonably nice fellow on the line. (I'm going to take the risk of guessing that his first language was not English.) and we got down to selecting a plan-oh it's gonna blow-this transition. A new deductible. Eighty dollars more for the monthly payment. Massive suckage. We got to the: And your new start date is......September First! 

And I thought, hey wait a second. 

That means I lose the delightful month of September-which is the tail end of my Land of Lincoln-you've already satisfied your maximum out of pocket expenses/lower monthly premium-Insurance. 

And the guy was like, I'm not permitted to help you decide which insurance to take. 

Umm what?

Anyway! Three rounds of that back and forth and I was off to the Facebook group and I had answers-like 8 of them-in two minutes. Not only that, there's a woman who's on some sort of task force and guess who called me twice so far? The Advanced Resolution Center of Healthcare. gov. That's right. A mover AND a shaker. Right there on Facebook. Imagine that. 

Kewl. 

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I went to Zumba. I was The Worst One in the Room. We even did some Bollywood maneuvers. It was fantastic.

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I work with everybody from millennials to actual hippies which I find seriously cool. One of my co-workers told me she's going to look at my chart cuzza all this stuff happening all at the same time. 

This cheered me immensely. 

Here's Grantley napping on her moose sleeping bag bed. She says Hello. 











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