Thursday, October 6, 2016

Pssst: I think I'm a little bit better. 


I don't wanna jinx it but yeah, possibly maybe a lot better than yesterday and a WAY lot better than the day before that. Imagine that. 

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Facebook is like watching cartoons when you're home sick. I kinda tested out my post surgical wooze factor by how much Facebook I could handle. At first I couldn't even deal but before you knew it, I was disinfriendchizing people like I don't know what. 

I lost the ability to listen to whining. Not after this and this and this and this. So I had to shake some people loose. I think I lost people too-absolutely cool with me. 

But I have to say, when you're all by yourself all day, and somebody nods in your direction, it's a glorious thing.

Thanks for the nods, friends. 
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I'd say a few lives back, if you had told me what I'd be doing in 2016 was announcing to the universe that I was going to try fighting a suspected bowel blockage with beans and have actual friends praying for some bowel function-if you told me I would be writing about that? See my face in that picture? Absolutely not happening. 

I didn't think it was particularly funny or high roady enough for my glamorous sensibilities. But when one of my cartoon boys sent me this extra special pencil(I only JUST got the funny joke when I was taking it's photo. Can you read the writing? Credit: T. Brian Kelly) I thought, hmmm I didn't know I needed one of these. Apparently I do. 

Because I will tell you, when you enter any kind of abdominal surgery-they're probably gonna be bumping into your intestines and your intestines don't like it and they demonstrate their displeasure but shutting down. And then you're negotiating the 'controlled wound'(That's what they call it.) from the surgery plus your bowel functions. Way less fun than it sounds. 

And you have to learn to talk about it with your doctor. 

For instance, the first things that came out of me? Looked like rocks from the moon. And then Urgent Care guy-he's trying to get a handle on exactly what's happening so he starts the story with, "So okay first you had the moon rocks..." and I liked that guy even more. 

He also-I think being more of an experienced kinda guy-I didn't get the sense that he needed to be heroic. One of the other best things that happened that day was when I was trying to get a stool softener that wasn't going to shoot me up into the Ethers and I said, should I use my phone to look things up? And he said sure. 

Newer doctors roll their eyes when your sentence starts with, "I was reading this article..." And then, his most genius statement of all was when he said: Let's see what worked last time. 

Smart. 

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I had a chat with my Dad and I said, one thing that's gonna be different? I'm not eating those shitty cookies ever again. You know those ones that are packed sideways in a clear plastic container and they taste like oil? Never again. 

And maybe? If I find myself in the position where someone is trying to serve me said shitty cookies? I'm going to start wondering if they have my best interests in mind. 

Take THAT universe. 

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Gatorade Frost Glacier Freeze. It's the lightest of the blues without being lemony and it doesn't taste like anything in particular and if you're throwing up, it's not going to stain anything which is a plus. 

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