Monday, December 19, 2016

Colonoscopy Stuff

1. I wasn't afraid of dying. Which I had been before-I dunno-I didn't have much in the way of information about these things, so every procedure was pretty frightening. This time-I was familiar with the beginning/middle/end so I was perfectly cool and I think that helps(<---understatement).

2. Having done this maneuver together (four times actually-between both of us). We kinda knew how to move through it. 

I remember the first one and asking him if he could eat somewhere else (Wow, what a jerk, huh?) but I was so agitated(also known as scared-ya know-cuzza that whole cancer thang)I guess I feared I was going to eat his leg off or something. 

This time-knowing it's only one day of clear liquids and they're not actually asking you to starve-you can celebrate an all-day festival of chicken broth if you have to-he did his eating and I just moved through my day doing something else. See:new scarf. 

I did-full disclosure-ask him not to open this package of Italian salami we have in the fridge. He didn't. No big deal.

3. I also went out on Sunday for a few hours. So I wasn't just sitting here going nuts-crucial to my personal development and the proper spinning of the globe. 

4. I cheated. 

And I am not telling you to do this-in fact-I'm officially telling you not to do this-but this is what I bought. 

From the Dollar Store. 
I was about to type the price but 
I realized that's not necessary. 

This is complicated and stupid, but I had this whole assembly line set up and it went something like this: I had a Pyrex measuring cup mixed with one of these Wyler's things and some of the goo in the freezer. It got to a sort of a Slurpie consistency. And then I took the big jug of nearly frozen plain goo, and poured that over the yellow ice. Over and over and over. 
When the yellow ice got too bland, I added another Wyler's thing and I just kept pouring and drinking and pouring and drinking. 
I stood in front of the kitchen sink for the whole thing. It's pretty nauseating-this business-so I thought it'd be a good place for my Prep Bar. 

Where it got extra stupid was when I had to wake up at 3:30 AM and the big jug was frozen solid. I thought it was kinda funny actually. So I had to melt that with hot water on the outside the bottle to get the job done. 

I spilled a couple of times in the moonlight session because the big plastic jug had this lingering massive frozen lump that kept falling forward and slopping every-thing-every-where. So, paper towels are a nice-to-have item. 

I thought about John McCain and how-what if I were in a prison camp and the only water they'd let me have had bugs in it and here I was, enjoying this fantastic medical care. Hey you get through it-how you get through it, no? 

I followed the official rules of the timing eventho I was severely tempted to keep drinking-beyond the first cut-off time. And I got some sleep in-between sessions. 

I knew-and this is because I'm familiar with the process-what I was headed for was yellow water. The iffy part was the 'Hey Kool-Aid!' shade of yellow and that had to be from the Wyler's but it never came up as an issue. "Say Mizz Farrell. Your ass seems to be glowing. Have you met this reindeer?" That didn't happen. 

Too bad, huh.

The facility got a makeover since my last visit. Everything was shiny and new and they even had in-room TeeVees which you know we didn't turn on because that is not our thing. 

The nurse was incredible getting the IV thing started. The other nurse took my history. We met the anesthesiologist and then the doctor who looks exactly like Elvis-not the boyhood Elvis and not the almost dead Elvis. Maybe just past boyhood? He's really cool and we were all good to go. 

Woke up an hour and a half-ish later and had to hang out till they decided I was good to go. I felt just a tiny bit off my game-balance-wise but we shuffled off to the auto and back into the world. 

We went to FatDuck. It's a restaurant in Forest Park on Madison Street. I had a massage (client)person who was a rancher-you really never know who you're gonna meet-and she actually admonished me for not having checked that place out sooner. 

We split a bleu cheese burger-she was absolutely right. It was really good. And that's the final tip for Colonoscopy 101. The day before-don't be all-this may be my last meal on the planet boo hoo hoo so I better get something fantastic. 

That is hard for your system to negotiate and while you're pretty restricted in terms of choices of things to eat(that is if you actually READ the handout duh=me)you're from Chicago, dammit, and you know-if you have ANY control over anything, your last meal has to be pizza. 

I had 5 polyps removed(Someone talk me out of using them on my Christmas card, won't you?) and we wait for the pathology report. I don't want to get too excited but I did hear her say if everything is cool, I won't have to go back for THREE BLISSFUL years. 



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