Sunday, December 18, 2016

T'was the night before my colonoscopy
and all through the condo
clear liquids were flowing
from my head to my toe. 


So yeah, here we are again, wandering up the driveway into colonoscopy town. It's our third visit. Some people haven't even been once! Imagine. 

The glorious P-keeping the voyage afloat-with his "You don't want to screw it up now, right?" and by that, he refers to any potential misbehavior on my end-which wasn't going to happen, but it's good to draw some sort of line. And he's right-he's right-he's right. These excursions do not come cheap and are not so easily planned. 

I had to take two shifts off of two different jobs and one is beginning to balk-along the lines of-'Can't you pick a different day for these appointments?' to which I replied, so uhh, what's the penalty when I don't show up, because I'm not going to be here that day(I mean, you don't really want me here that day-I'm tellin' ya.) so, uhh ya know, what are we talking about? You gonna 'write me up' and then how many of those 'write-ups' equal being fired because I need to know that upfront. 

The shift magically disappeared from my schedule. 


And I actually can and have(!) tried to balance different jobs and different days off for doctor stuff but the colonoscopy is a different sort of thing and here's why: If you take the Monday morning appointment, you spend Sunday in the colonoscopy prep position-so you only lose one day of pay. 

I don't know what rich people do. When that happens to me-I'll let you know. 

Prepping the Prep
The milk jug in the upper right hand corner of the photo is a half gallon. 
See how gigantic this is? 

The prep seems different this time. They mailed me instructions which I was supposed to read one week ago(oops) and there were certain things I was supposed to avoid(oops) and so far I haven't had to do anything exceptionally crazy except mix and chill. We put the jug between the two backdoors because it's cold outside. 

I did not add what they call 'the flavoring'. Yipes. 

Starting tonight at 7:00 PM (Central Time) and flowing all the way till 8:30(I know it will take me longer. "Just throw it back" never works for me.) I have to drink half of this giant jug o' joy. 

Then-not long after that-the games begin. 

The second half starts again at 3:30 AM(uh-huh) and goes until 5:00 AM. We have to be there at 8:15 AM when P is just rolling off his night shift so I won't be surprised to find him nodding off in the new and improved waiting area. That's just the way things seem to roll. 



There's a woman I have to come in contact with. She's done a significant amount of cancering herself. People feel badly for her. Me-I dunno, ya know? I don't know if 'feeling sorry' is actually beneficial to anybody. How long does the license to be an a-hole-because you've suffered the indignantcy(Is that a word? It is now.) of cancer-how long before that card expires?  

The first time I spoke to her, she was disappointed that my story seemed to trump her story. (What an unfortunate phrase that has turned out to be-all the way around, huh.) Like it's an f-ing contest. 

More recently, an encounter with her-started with the phrase
"Can I have a word with you?" where she separated me from the group and asked if I would be insulted if she offered me her old pre-cancer clothes from "when she was bigger". "Extra large", she said. It wasn't the offer that irked me-(well, not 100%)it's that she felt free to have that conversation in my workplace. 


The last encounter went exactly like this: Oh. You didn't have radiation, did you? Like this disqualifies me from dancing with the Prince at the Cancer Ball. 


I did not pass go and went directly to text my comedy cancer-kicking pal. She threw me back a small,yet delightful, ball of swearwordology(thus the title for this segment) and I cannot tell you exactly how much better that made me feel. 

I also went shopping today. I realized that the area of my hernia is completely numb so there's no reason to keep swaddling myself the way I had to when it was swollen and painful. I scored some extremely cool items at the Goodwill(a Perry Ellis Asian print inspired fishy scarf for 3 bucks? Yay me!) And tighter jeans. A little bit tighter anyway. 

As I drove away-I thought about my powers of being able to handle personal criticism. It takes me about a week to recover from an unsolicited personal critique but by then, I can sort the message from the sting. 

And guess what, I'm not preparing for the Cancer Ball. I will always have both eyes on it via my rear view mirror and everything, but that's not my final destination-thankyouverymuch. 

Next week I am slated to join a Support Group at Gilda's Club. There's a 12 week commitment and I think you're not allowed to share exactly what goes on in the group. Let's see how it goes. 

And now, it's time to drink the goo. 

Umm cheers. 

No comments:

Post a Comment