Saturday, February 4, 2017

Today is World Cancer Day and if you did not get me a card, it's okay, because I did my celebrating yesterday at work. I would love to give you the exact details, but for the moment I also need to remain employed-so you're going to have to do a bit of reading between the lines here and that's not exactly easy once you've spent the day dancing around the Cancer Februarypole and Bobbing for Chemo and enjoying a nice slice of Cancer Day Cake.  That stuff wears you out. 

This client-as they refer to them-I call them "people" because I am a renegade-has "issues of digestion". And they are the grossest thing you can imagine. No no. Worse than that. Yeah that. In real time. Actually going on during the massage. 

Uh huh. 

If it were ME! boast my twenty year old coworkers, I'd tell her the massage was Now Over! And in a perfect world I would totally find the words to do exactly that, but at the moment I need the money so I put up with all kinds of shit. 

Gettin' it now?

Uh huh. 

So okay, she came back and that is because I tell good stories and that is because I make sure to have a lot of adventures because while I don't consider myself a master massage technician like a lot of the other children do-I am a master of making people feel better and that is because I have good stories and I operate at the level of maximum chill. People walk out the wrong door when they leave my massage. That's how good I am. 

She was in a lesser form of intestinal distress-tanks be to Jayzuz as my former spouse would say-but still there was the essence of GAAAHHH going on. Can you dig it?

We got on the topic of colonoscopies and how she-she must be in her 65's at least-had never had a colonoscopy and I was like

big long pause here

Okay so, you know I had colon cancer, right? And she was all, what?!?!? 

And I take a deep breath and I spill the story how it started with a colonoscopy and then bounced to being a pretty crappily painful hernia and then the possibility of a blood clot in my lung and then the miracle of the catscan that started at my neck which revealed the lump in my thyroid that lead to the removal of the house that Jack built and the other miracle of yet another colonoscopy-but it might have been a different kind of test-I don't remember now-but I know it involved drinking something horrible-that led to the discovery of the blood clot that's currently resting in some sort of unproper spot within my being-in real time they call that-and she wanted to tell me that cancer doesn't run in her family-okay except for this person and that person and that person but mostly her family had to deal with issues of the heart and I left another huge space in the air and said, there's nobody in my family that has colon cancer either. 

Only me. 

And she said, you know what stops me? I'm afraid I'll lose control while I'm doing the prep. And I said what about dying from colon cancer-how do you think that feels? 

She tipped me twenty. 

Happy Cancer Day everyone. 

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