Tuesday, May 9, 2017

It was the last night of Three Weeks to Optimum Health-Preventing Cancer Recurrence and Having Optimum Health. The group had started with 22 people and now it seemed like there may have been more volunteers than participants. I stayed in my same chair I'd started with because it had the best view and who sat down next to me, but the man who was running the program. The former orthopedic surgeon pulls up a chair next to me and doesn't say a word. 

We started talking about exercising and I told him about the Cancer Program at Loyola and the not so very good experience with the LiveStrong program at the Berwyn Y. (Hello Hernia) He graduated from Loyola many years ago and was familiar with the gym there and then we got talking about the change over from regular food to this new kinda food and I said, Okay so, when do you think my digestive system is going to start going along with the program-because there had been all kinds of intestinal theatrics and I thought they were supposed to calm down. Oh yeah, it takes a few weeks he said. And that was that. 

This is from the second night.

The program started. We learned more stuff about poisons in the environment and how-let's say you get stuck behind a sputtering bus(just happened to me today)that you should make every effort to avoid sitting there breathing that stuff in.

We learned a Dr. Weil breathing maneuver that I've been practicing. You place the tip of your tongue on that little web thing about your two front teeth. You empty your lungs of air. Then you breathe in to a count of 4. Hold for a count of 7 and out for a count of 8 and you do this 4 times-twice a day. 
So that when you get into some sort of upsetting situation-the very first thing you're supposed to do-is this breathing maneuver and then you'll be reacting from a place of unfreakazoidism. 

You're welcome.

So okay, back to the night and guess what? The nutritionist has joined us and-get this-she looks like a normal person. What's up. With. That? That night we were feasting on Shiitake and Ginger Soup, Grilled Vegetable Wrap and Black Bean Mango Salsa. All very delicious. Okay maybe not this soup. Kinda like something you'd be served in an upscale vegetarian prison camp but it was okay. And look! Noodles! 

So the doctor starts his powerpoint but before he does, he goes on a tangent about how Ann Over There Knows All About Transitioning To A Healthier Diet. 

I was like, holee muther of jayzuz, if I have not yet experienced pure mortification(and I believe I have-have I not?)here we go, huh? 

And people were like, huh? And I stammered, okay welllll, an entire symphony seems to have uhhhh moved into my intestinal superhighway. And people at the ends of the other tables were peeking at me like, who the hell said THAT? And there was laughter. Laughter of recognition. And ya know what? It was absolutely fine. I thought, oh. Okay. This is what advanced mortification+hilarity feels like. Not so bad. I can be that person. Imagine that. 

That night, there was also a very young Physical Therapist who has specialized in Cancer Rehab. Isn't that cool? Like how to get you moving when you absolutely can't. And things like that. And she's doing it because she survived cancer herself. 

I asked for the spinach dip recipe we didn't get last time and I got talking to the nutritionist. She said, you're in comedy or something, aren't you? I said, well, I drew cartoons. So yeah, I guess so. She said she's a dietician-is that like the difference between a beautician and a stylist? And that she had pulled herself through one of the most terrible cancers and at some point-she'd been revisited by the cancer fairies in another body part and that's when she got very serious about changing her diet. 

I lamented that weight didn't seem to be falling off me at the astounding rate it should be since I started eschewing office birthday cake and she said that there are all kinds of things going on within your system so you just don't exactly know. I told her I'd given up cheese but I was struggling with the idea of saying goodbye to sugar and she said, she'd rather have me eat a bit of good cheese then to have any sugar at all. And then she said she'd send me some recipes as soon as she could. She has some stuff going on-life-wise so, it may take a bit of time. 

You liked the spinach dip, she said? I wanted to rub it on my face. It was That Good. 

Ahh you do stand-up comedy, don't you?  I can always tell. she said. 

Well I did do it once. 

Moral to the story. Stay open. Stay honest. Stay hungry. And practice your stand-up every day. 

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