You know where this falls on the huge scale? Way way way at the end. I was working really hard there (for a bit) trying to find something that might actually work for me.
I burned so many calories auditioning library books.
Here is one of my treasures. This is my Mom's copy of Everyday Cooking by Dean Ornish. I don't have much of her stuff but I do have this. Check it out.
She used to mark the date every time she made something. Little tiny notes. So cool.
Clearly my people like to have a book.
I am a two time crushing failure at Weight Watchers. The first time I lost so much weight people thought I was seriously ill but I was eating 100% artificial nonsense just so I could get the coveted stickers and lame applause and oh yeah, shrink. I am not so sure that didn't so some serious damage to my body/soul-eating no calorie bread and chocolate pop but it all came back like a freight train. Woo woo.
Next time, I just couldn't bear the chatting parts of the WW meetings. It's always the fattest fattest fattest person that has to be telling everyone else how much they hate the taste of water so they're using Crystal Lite and I just cannot take that nonsense let alone PAY for it.
I also have a real problem. If someone says I can't have something? I have to go get it. Like right now. It's ridiculous. Is it because I was raised partially in front of television commercials? Or am I just weak. Yeah, that too.
Have you even been to Overeaters Anonymous? You're not even allowed to actually name the offending food. Like you can't say, "I stood there and ate an entire row of sweet, delicious brownie edges." Because just the speaking aloud of such a phrase might set someone like me willy nilly dashing off to the Jewel with a wooden spoon and a quarter cup of oil and maybe an egg.
I believe I am medically excluded from the possibility of gastric bypass so that could never happen.
(Hey word to the wise? Now is NOT the time to approach me and suggest I ask for a tummy tuck while I'm in there. Just FYI. If you value your front teeth and all. I do manual labor. Don't forget that.)
There's this super cool looking detox cooking class program I would love to go to but it is WAY too steep for my budget AND, I was looking at the offerings-especially something like a fresh ginger lime(I'm making this up)morning tonic and my head went all Long Hair Salon in Manhattan.
Do you remember Crystal Gayle? Famously famous for having extremely long hair? Yeah well. She got her hair done in Manhattan and once I went to that salon. The Long Hair Salon.
They washed her hair-they told me-in a series of sinks. (I also went to Katie Couric's dermatologist but that is a story for another day.)
I wanted to grow my hair out and I never could, so I made this appointment and they did like this...how do I describe it. It was as if they actually cut three hairs off my entire head. And then they showed me how I could twist my bangs and pin them up while they were growing out(I actually used this advanced knowledge last Halloween when I dressed as an Old School Librarian.) And That Was IT.
And I remember feeling like....wait a second. Did I just pay you (I don't remember how much but I was an art school kid so it was something to me)for something that if I did exactly nothing-it was going to happen all by itself?
I try to avoid similar behavior. Someone trying to sell me something that was gonna happen anyway.
For now? I can smash ginger and pinch lemons. It will have to do.
I did a lot lot lot of reading about Whole30. I was nearly ready to do their vegetarian version.(I would be scared to do the meat. Not me/not now.) I even printed out the grocery shopping list but this book fell into my hands and it fit my criteria.
There has to be a 'cookie'. There has to be a 'pizza'. There has to be some sort of cheerful 'drink'. And this is one of the physicians food plans that was recommended by the doctor who ran the Preventing Recurrence class at Gilda's Club. I'd be a maroon if I didn't pay attention to that, no?
The first thing I made was a salad with parsley, red onion, tomato and white beans with a little splash of balsamic. Poor P. Not a fan of eating stalks of parsley, or tomatoes or red onion. He went around them all and pretending to enjoy eating white beans.
And now I go around saying things like, these are little cancer killers-referring to the 3 or 4 walnuts halves we have in our breakfast gruel. Who would not kill to be my dining companion?
The breakfast is solid and I honestly actually love it. Like 1/3ish cup rolled oats. Big splash of pomegranate juice. 1 banana sliced. Cancer killers(about 4 walnut halves). A big pinch of raw sunflower seeds. And about a cup (but a half cup works as well) of frozen berries. The first organic bag came from Costco and when those ran out I went to Aldi. I don't think they're organic because they're awfully pretty. Three and a half minutes in our tiny microwave. Comes out SUCH a pretty color. Yay.
Here is a funny thing.
As soon as I officially picked a cookbook? (And a philosophy. Nutritarian is what it called.) The very next day I attempted to cheat. I was in an office cafeteria and there were 2 soups. One was Fresh Vegetable and the other was Tortilla Soup and my hand went STRAIGHT for the Tortilla-I cannot explain this behavior except to demonstrate what I am up against. MYSELF. Ha! Guess what. The Tortilla cauldron was empty. I had to have the Vegetable.
The cosmos had aligned in my favor.
Later that day, I was going to be walking past a plate full of cookies that has always been part of my route. I didn't even think about it until I did think about it and I thought, oh man what am I going to do? And my head is all wondering and worried and thinking and guess what. Not ONLY was the plate empty. It had been REMOVED.
The universe is on my side even when I am not.
Today I swung by Super Tony's on my way back from the gym. I am obligated to show up at the gym X number of times every week and that is a Really Good Thing For Me as you can imagine. I wasn't all into it today but I showed up.
So, Super Tony's. I wanted some watermelon and some Apple Slices for my Dad for Father's Day which is tomorrow eventho my Dad just said that Father's Day means nothing to him I said, yeah? Too bad. We're coming over.
Apple slices are like a pan of pie. Do they have them where you're from? He used to be so happy if we ever had apple slices which was rare. We'll see if he likes them now.
Anyway, you know how this goes. Instead of just watermelon and apple slices I'm pushing the cart and picking up some stuff and at some point-I guess near the cash register-I looked down and I thought, whoa. Who's cart is THIS? It was so beautiful and wonderful and red.
"Things that are red for 100 Alex. "
So I secretly pull out my phone to take a picture so I can remember and because it is Super Tony's, the lines are long and I get to talking to the cute/nice couple behind me about the strategy of picking a fast lane. We had both fallen for a line that had two men with hardly any stuff in front of us so we thought we'd be out in a flash but NO. The first dude had these mysterious-have to be punched in one at a time-coupons so there was plenty of time to chat and the man of the couple said, Wow, you got some healthy looking groceries right there.
And you know how I felt?
100% yay me.