Tuesday, February 20, 2018

 Change Your Weigh: Half-way. 

In the words of one of my classmates who carries some resentment regarding spending the whole day at her day job only to race to the gym and be presented with The Driest Powerpoint on the Planet: I told them they shit is boring. 

(I love that. It applies to so many situations, no?)

And that's not even a fair review of the entire class. Only the part I thought I'd really be digging. The part with the life coaches/nutritionists. I thought I'd be dreading the days with the trainer but nope. Those are the fun ones. Who knew. 

And in fact, it was the trainer, Nicole, who sat me down and explained-I was not expecting this special attention so I was incredible grateful for it-just how it is that she throws down-nutritionally. 
This is called meal prepping and all the cool kids have been doing it fuh-evah.

One of the other sitter-inners of this group-I bumped into her and she said, So. Are you feeling more positive about things? 

Here's me: I'm sorry, ummmwhut? 

Apparently she'd seen me in Nicole's office and assumed that I was there for complaining purposes but that wasn't the case at all. I was collecting magnificent bonus instruction that I never even expected.  

Good Lawd Have Mercy. People people people. 

Now. I have been back to the gym and I made a special point of looking at the stats of the life coaches/nutritionist and they are very highly credentialed so I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why why why why why the Tuesday nights are so dry(I have three theories. One of that they've now broken the class into Change Your Weigh One and Two and maybe CYW-2 is when it Gets Good(?) OR it might be their efforts in trying not to tell you what to eat-I think that's a recent dietary approach(rooted in therapy, right?) to have you come to the information yourself so they just keep repeating that a portion of meat should be the size of a deck of cards for the love of jayzuz the only card-shaped meat I know is Spam-or three-maybe it's the way they set up the room so the participants aren't getting to know each other. It could be something as simple as that but ya know what? I decided it's not my job to repair it. I got bigger decks of cards to fry. 

I've decided to just ride it out till the end and if anyone asks me about it? What can I tell ya, they shit is boring. 

Some Things I Learned Thus Far

I'm tracking my food with myfitnesspal but what's been a much more gigantic eye-opener-and-a-half is my fitness pal's recipe calculator and you can find that online. Fer free!

And a huge gift I gave to myself was this: There's a healthy food vlogger who-just the other day put out a video for these supremely healthy chocolate chip cookies, right? And here's me taking all this time writing down all these weird and exotic ingredients like 'teff', thinking maybe teff will save my cookie grubbing soul. 

Yeah well. I calculated the entire recipe and just one of these teff cookies? Was something like 250 calories. And the girl in the video is talking about how she might eat 3 or 4 or 5...which would lead you to believe that because they're ever so healthy that'd be okay, right? Yeahnope. 

And as it turns out? I found a cookie that was so good? I. Could. Actually. Have. A. Half and be totally cool. And you'll never guess where that cookie lives. 

1/2 McDonalds Oatmeal Raisin-77 calories-Yum

I know. 

And the super-sized girl at the McDonalds who served us the first Oatmeal Raisin cookie we broke in two? Said 'That's why I can't lose weight. I don't have a buddy.' Well, she was wrong. You can eat a half all by yourself and be perfectly fine. 



Here's another timely tip. This very morning I had to go for a complete ultrasound of my abdominal area, right? Woo. Fun. Okay so, you can't eat for eight hours before that but I am such a frequent flyer of all these rituals that I did my 8 hours while I was asleep and after the test, I was at the hospital and I wuz hungry. 

I asked the Ultrasound Tech for advice. I mean who knows better about healthy choices on the Einstein Bagel menu than a thin person who works 200 feet away from it, right? She had a recommendation and it really made me laugh for me to be at a bagel store eating this:

Greek Yogurt Parfait-270 calories-Einstein Bagels

Ya know what? It was deeeeeeeeelicious. Yay.


This Person and I Share the Same Spirit Animal

There is a young man at work who is on the spectrum and he's also Very Hungry. One day someone had brought in a bag of pretzel rods and you know, I saw them and I was thinking about them for a long time(Oh ya know, three hours or so) and I decided I was going to have one. (I'm sorry I can't actually cure cancer or something equally important right now because thinking about food consumes me lately. We've covered that.) 

I get to the back of the office and I see my spirit animal friend, looking forlornly into the trash where the empty bag sat. He even checked it to be sure. 

Another day, I found him licking his finger and trying to capture some stray pink cookie crumbs because that's all that was left after the weekend. 

He and I are one. 


I read that when David Sedaris is on the treadmill, he too watches My 600+ Pound Life. (He also picks up bags of litter like P so you know, we're very Sedarissy around here.) I cannot watch the surgery part and I'm really not interested in seeing the participants in the shower but the family dynamics are something to see and you've never see pizza appreciation like that. 

I have more to say and too much to do but I'll leave you with this secret message I got on my phone. 

Let's get on that, shall we? 

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