Friday, March 16, 2018

Good News

The good news is that the worst ever, embarrassingly mortifying gym class* of tortuous nightmares is now in the rear view mirror. 


It happened last week-a Friday-at 6:00 on the main floor of the gym(which I realize is all the more daunting because if you escape? Everybody can watch.)and do not think I went into it without massive trepidation. I was trepidating all over the place but this class, I did without Chris holding my quivering palm(figuratively speaking cuz that'd be sweaty)and it was A)The end of the day and B)The end of the week and had I known what I was going to encounter, I might have simply sampled the circuit class earlier in the day but nope. Like a lamb, I did what I had been advised to do upon sampling a new class and that is, get there a little early and introduce myself to the instructor which is exactly what I did. 

Hey Hi, sez me. I'm Very New At This. I've had 3 surgeries in the last two-ish years-here I dramatically indicate the area of Hernia #1 and Hernia #2  with a flourish straight up my center-not unlike Carol Merrill on Let's Make a Deal with the refrain: And cancer, cancer, cancer. Then smile warmly because I don't wanna frighten anyone. Right?

So, sez me. I'm gonna need some modifications. 

Okay? Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay. 

And then you kinda stand around and watch the other people arrive and of course you're sizing them up and of course there's one girl that's a friggin' ballerina they brought in to teach a barre class and I am not even kidding so yeah, huh? There's me. 


How does it go? Well, how badly can a class go? You have to line up with a designated partner who could kick your ass to Northern New Jersey and the trainer calls out Your Worst Nightmare in terms of an exercise(I dunno, something in a couple of dozen burpees perhaps?)and it's all Ready Set Go and you already know you can't. 

Where does that fall on the fun scale? 


A modification is when you raise your hand and ask the trainer to cut you some slack. The best trainers-so far-they wiggle on over to you and demonstrate a sample and you can say, okay. And what if I can't do that? What else can I do? And they show you something else. And your presence in the universe doesn't shout out 'special needs', you just keep on hopping and jumping like everybody else and all is exceptionally swell. 

When it goes bad-and last Friday it did-the modifications were just as(if not more) impossible as the originals. 

It's like this. Say everybody is going to do something called: Kangaroo Leaps. They're going to leap over a small building and land on the other side. It's extremely difficult but they got this-as they say-because this is what they do and they have since fifth grade cuz they had that whole Title Nine thing going on. (We had blue gym suits whose snaps flew open  willy-nilly but you know, whatever.)

Now you're me. Kangaroo Leaps. You know you do not currently possess the musculature that's even going to get you close to the windowsill of the small building, so you raise your hand, smile bravely and ask for a modification. 

The trainer looks at you, frowns and says, okay. You can just scale up the wall of the building on your belly, then pull yourself across the barbed wire and then crash land on your wrists on the other side. 

Let's say you possess the bravery to tell him that you can't do  that either. NFW. Not because you're unwilling to try, it's just not gonna happen today. 

His next suggestion is for you to simply stand on your right foot and then the left and while you're engaged in this mortifyingly lame excuse for an exercise? He's gonna be shouting out: Way to go Ann. Good job. Clap clap clap. 



This week was the last official Tuesday and Thursday of Change Your Weigh and I'm ready to be done cuz I got things to do. I think I learned a whole lotta stuff but not from who I thought I would. Did you ever notice the best information never happens during a meeting? It goes on in the parking lot afterwards, no? 

It was the trainer who showed me what to eat and where to shop. I went to a couple of bonus nutrition classes and I got to sit with a nutritionist all by myself and that assisted me in the grasping of the nutrition concepts. One of the interns explained to me why weight lifting was a good thing so I guess the lesson in all of it-is something having to do with just showing up. 

When we got to the end of the night that they focussed on snacking-I realized that if you accept the idea of adding up calories-then ANYTHING could be a snack as long as the numbers were good. No mysteries there.

And last night, we re-did the 1-mile walk we had done at the beginning. I think there were 5 people missing since the program began and one person didn't participate because she forgot her asthma puffer, but I am happy to report that of the 5 people that did do it last night, I came in second. 

I went as fast fast fast as I could and met my own personal goal of getting in front of the woman with the largest excuses that came in last. 

After in the locker room, one of the ladies said she thought I was 'inspirational'. Which-in polite society-is another term for badass and that's okay with me. 

*So, tonight? I'm going back to try again. 

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